he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
