census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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