I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
