i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
