I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
