Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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