i wish starbucks made bloody marys
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
