I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
