all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
