dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Ambien. No doubt about it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
