Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My bed smells like the plague
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
