Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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