my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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