after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
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A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
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When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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