The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
