I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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