I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
