Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
