Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
