Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
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Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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