any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
