Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
