i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
