saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
