He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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