I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
