You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
