I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
