Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
