I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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