I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize