I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My ATM looks so different sober.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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