the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
