party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
