Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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