Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
