I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
