And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
