just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
