Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
