My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
