I wish I could punch you in the face.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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