I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
