highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
