clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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