All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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