i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
