i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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