My liver just broke up with me...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
