Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
