I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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