Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
