I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
